Tag: crisis of faith

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Warrior, Be Brave

Wake up! She tells herself. It’s time. Her feet hit the floor and just before she stands, she pauses. It’s as if her soul is two steps ahead of her body. Anxiety has become her companion over the years. He is the friend that she’s not sure is very fond of her. Even so, she’s not sure what life would be like without him. Today is different. Her soul begins to find it’s voice and it will not quiet for anything. It fights for victory over apathy.

Her days have been long and her nights even longer.  The spinning in her mind is like a never ending spool of thread weaving all the thoughts and lies into a busy pattern of confusion. She has allowed herself to slip into the mundane and taught herself to ignore the cry within her. Although the cry is monstrous it has been muted by the constant ring of other voices telling her to give up, that she’s not good enough, that there’s no hope.

What is passion? What is purpose? What is hope? She sits on the edge of her bed like her feet are stuck in mud. The emptiness she feels is almost an out of body experience. It’s as though she is present in the room, watching her shell sit in fear as hopes and dreams fade with time.  Her voice urgently forces it’s way through the mess and gasps for air at the surface. Wake up! Get up! Be brave!

It’s time to move forward. She tells herself to let go of the expectations, the labels, the lies, and the life that has forced her to become terror-stricken by her own dreams. She can feel her body and soul fight each other in a battle that only leaves her exhausted. Her mind tells her, “You can’t”. Her soul screams, “Be brave!” For so long she has allowed herself to live in captivity. This life she calls her own is being lived by someone she doesn’t even connect to. No more! She has found the warrior that was birthed in her and championed her purpose. Today she chooses to take ownership of her story, and compose until the pages expire.

Grabbing the hand of her new found companion, courage, she makes her way to a sturdy stance, and she adjusts her posture to reflect confidence. She trembles as she picks up one foot and sets it in front of the other, and reminds herself of the strength within her. She continues to walk forward gaining strength and perspective with each step. Now is her time. Reaching for the knob on the door to possibility, she fearlessly turns it to the right. The door clicks open and a surge of air meets her face. She looks forward, cast a gaze of intention, takes a deep breath, and steps into her limitless destiny. Warrior, you are brave.

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Warrior, Where Are You?

She stares at her reflection. Every imperfection screams at her very being. She looks deep into her eyes past the mind into the soul. Where are you? Her eyes search for the life that used to be but was lost along the way. Where are you? Tears well up in her lower lid as one tear streams down her blushed cheek onto the floor. Everything becomes numb and her knees weak giving way to her balance. Where are you? She reaches out to touch the reflective glass in hopes of shaking herself back to reality. Where are you? As her knees buckle she falls to the ground. Her eyes close as pins and needles blanket her with complete numbness leaving uncovered the hollow ache in the pit of her stomach. Her chin begins to quiver as she struggles to swallow the emotion that is quickly emerging the surface. Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?  

The journey seems too hard to continue. It’s as if the reality of life is too much to bear. She has learned patterns to avoid her circumstances. Run away. Run way to something safer, something better than the feeling in this moment. The journey into her mind is the path to a world that no one returns from. The abyss of empty dreams and hopeless desires. The escape into fantasy has become the trap that will keep her in joyless captivity. Where are you?  

Her hands and feet dig into the dirt as she desperately attempts to claw her way out, but the incline becomes steeper. At the glimpse of light, the unfocused view into reality, the hope of moving on and moving forward, she finds herself running the opposite direction. Circumstances are no longer the trigger, life itself is unbearable without the hope of escape. She has arrived at the crossroad where fantasy and reality merge and the line between becomes blurred. The ability to separate the two is merely impossible without the ability and willingness to accept what is real and what is not. Where are you? 

Lost in herself, she trembles at the thought of opening her eyes. Her hands tightly formed in fists resting on her thighs, she resists. She resists the urge to fight, but the warrior within her is too resilient to contain. As she shakes in fear, she leans forward, tears rushing down her face, veins bulging from her temples and she begins to let go of the pain deep in her gut. She releases a cry into the atmosphere. She cries not in pain but in justified anger at the loss of life. Time wasted on fear. Every label, every person’s perceived thought about her, and everything she believed of herself was a link in the chain that tied her in one place and kept her from the beautiful grace we have the privilege of experiencing in this imperfect world. Where are you? 

Pulled back and forth in the tension between body and soul, she experiences the battle within her. She fights daily for reality, for authenticity, for truth, for hope, but the counter battle is destructive and seems definite. The overwhelming burden of defeat is too great to bear. Still, she battles because she has no choice. She battles for the beautiful soul she knows is in her but is lost in the reflection of expectation and berried deep within her failures. The battle feels lonely, but she is not alone. She finds companionship in courage. The strength it took for her to hold on and find courage is a strength that builds her foundation. She reminds her soul even in her doubt. “I look to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord.”  

She is a fortress of strength, a woman of fierce courage, a warrior that battles until the win. Where are you? She looks to the sky and takes a deep breath. Although her breath is shaky and uncertain, she breathes in grace, and she tells herself to get up, to fight and to win. The pain may seem too difficult but living every moment in true joyous freedom is the reality she doesn’t want to lose. True loss and true suffering may hurt for the moment, but true joy only comes from experiencing and overcoming this momentary affliction.  

I see you. You’re there. I know you’re there, and I will fight for complete freedom from yourself. There you are. No labels. Just basic you, and you are perfect.