Category: Neoteric Psalm

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Warrior, Be Brave

Wake up! She tells herself. It’s time. Her feet hit the floor and just before she stands, she pauses. It’s as if her soul is two steps ahead of her body. Anxiety has become her companion over the years. He is the friend that she’s not sure is very fond of her. Even so, she’s not sure what life would be like without him. Today is different. Her soul begins to find it’s voice and it will not quiet for anything. It fights for victory over apathy.

Her days have been long and her nights even longer.  The spinning in her mind is like a never ending spool of thread weaving all the thoughts and lies into a busy pattern of confusion. She has allowed herself to slip into the mundane and taught herself to ignore the cry within her. Although the cry is monstrous it has been muted by the constant ring of other voices telling her to give up, that she’s not good enough, that there’s no hope.

What is passion? What is purpose? What is hope? She sits on the edge of her bed like her feet are stuck in mud. The emptiness she feels is almost an out of body experience. It’s as though she is present in the room, watching her shell sit in fear as hopes and dreams fade with time.  Her voice urgently forces it’s way through the mess and gasps for air at the surface. Wake up! Get up! Be brave!

It’s time to move forward. She tells herself to let go of the expectations, the labels, the lies, and the life that has forced her to become terror-stricken by her own dreams. She can feel her body and soul fight each other in a battle that only leaves her exhausted. Her mind tells her, “You can’t”. Her soul screams, “Be brave!” For so long she has allowed herself to live in captivity. This life she calls her own is being lived by someone she doesn’t even connect to. No more! She has found the warrior that was birthed in her and championed her purpose. Today she chooses to take ownership of her story, and compose until the pages expire.

Grabbing the hand of her new found companion, courage, she makes her way to a sturdy stance, and she adjusts her posture to reflect confidence. She trembles as she picks up one foot and sets it in front of the other, and reminds herself of the strength within her. She continues to walk forward gaining strength and perspective with each step. Now is her time. Reaching for the knob on the door to possibility, she fearlessly turns it to the right. The door clicks open and a surge of air meets her face. She looks forward, cast a gaze of intention, takes a deep breath, and steps into her limitless destiny. Warrior, you are brave.

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Warrior, Where Are You?

She stares at her reflection. Every imperfection screams at her very being. She looks deep into her eyes past the mind into the soul. Where are you? Her eyes search for the life that used to be but was lost along the way. Where are you? Tears well up in her lower lid as one tear streams down her blushed cheek onto the floor. Everything becomes numb and her knees weak giving way to her balance. Where are you? She reaches out to touch the reflective glass in hopes of shaking herself back to reality. Where are you? As her knees buckle she falls to the ground. Her eyes close as pins and needles blanket her with complete numbness leaving uncovered the hollow ache in the pit of her stomach. Her chin begins to quiver as she struggles to swallow the emotion that is quickly emerging the surface. Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?  

The journey seems too hard to continue. It’s as if the reality of life is too much to bear. She has learned patterns to avoid her circumstances. Run away. Run way to something safer, something better than the feeling in this moment. The journey into her mind is the path to a world that no one returns from. The abyss of empty dreams and hopeless desires. The escape into fantasy has become the trap that will keep her in joyless captivity. Where are you?  

Her hands and feet dig into the dirt as she desperately attempts to claw her way out, but the incline becomes steeper. At the glimpse of light, the unfocused view into reality, the hope of moving on and moving forward, she finds herself running the opposite direction. Circumstances are no longer the trigger, life itself is unbearable without the hope of escape. She has arrived at the crossroad where fantasy and reality merge and the line between becomes blurred. The ability to separate the two is merely impossible without the ability and willingness to accept what is real and what is not. Where are you? 

Lost in herself, she trembles at the thought of opening her eyes. Her hands tightly formed in fists resting on her thighs, she resists. She resists the urge to fight, but the warrior within her is too resilient to contain. As she shakes in fear, she leans forward, tears rushing down her face, veins bulging from her temples and she begins to let go of the pain deep in her gut. She releases a cry into the atmosphere. She cries not in pain but in justified anger at the loss of life. Time wasted on fear. Every label, every person’s perceived thought about her, and everything she believed of herself was a link in the chain that tied her in one place and kept her from the beautiful grace we have the privilege of experiencing in this imperfect world. Where are you? 

Pulled back and forth in the tension between body and soul, she experiences the battle within her. She fights daily for reality, for authenticity, for truth, for hope, but the counter battle is destructive and seems definite. The overwhelming burden of defeat is too great to bear. Still, she battles because she has no choice. She battles for the beautiful soul she knows is in her but is lost in the reflection of expectation and berried deep within her failures. The battle feels lonely, but she is not alone. She finds companionship in courage. The strength it took for her to hold on and find courage is a strength that builds her foundation. She reminds her soul even in her doubt. “I look to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord.”  

She is a fortress of strength, a woman of fierce courage, a warrior that battles until the win. Where are you? She looks to the sky and takes a deep breath. Although her breath is shaky and uncertain, she breathes in grace, and she tells herself to get up, to fight and to win. The pain may seem too difficult but living every moment in true joyous freedom is the reality she doesn’t want to lose. True loss and true suffering may hurt for the moment, but true joy only comes from experiencing and overcoming this momentary affliction.  

I see you. You’re there. I know you’re there, and I will fight for complete freedom from yourself. There you are. No labels. Just basic you, and you are perfect.  

 

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Finding Hope

I lay back and allow my head to sink into the water just past my ears where it rests on my cheekbones as I stare at the aged, white ceiling. The water continues to rush from the faucet, and I can hear the muffled melodies coming from my phone on the other side of the bathtub wall. As I lay here, I allow the muffled noise to drown out the noises in my mind. I breathe in deep and I can feel my breath as it causes the pressure of the water to plug my ears even tighter than before. I breathe out and feel the rumble of my breath at the forefront of my head accompanied by the faintest high-pitched whistle. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Slowly my mind winds down and my body settles into the floor of the bathtub. My wandering mind becomes still for just a moment. Time stops and it’s as if my mind is graciously telling my soul, it’s ok. When the world slows down and I rest in the silence, I find peace in my struggle.

It’s not often I find complete confidence in day-to-day events. We are all faced with trials, struggles, pain and tragedy, and none of these make our journey through life easy. In fact, they at times make the journey a daunting task. There will always be seasons where we are presented with challenges that seem impossible to face, but there will also be seasons that are blessed with immeasurable amounts of joy. I tell myself through a season of pain and loss that I can do it, one moment at a time, I’m not alone. If I continue to press on and process through that pain, I know I can truly find a joy that’s indestructible.

When I’m stuck in the tornadic winds of emotion, crying tears until my well is run dry, it’s there I find hope. I find hope in the little things. I find hope in the friends that surround me when my family is far. I find hope in the song that encouraged my soul at just the right second. I find hope in the gut wrenching laughter with my roommates at the end of a draining day. I find hope when I see that man open the door to help the elderly woman. I find hope in that baby that releases the most over joyed giggle as he stares into his mother’s eyes. I find hope when I wake up in the morning and witness the sun rising. I find hope because I know there is more, there is good, and in all of that there is God. Therefore, I’ll wake up in the morning and dress myself with joy because I trust that through this journey, when my body is tired, my soul is weary, and I feel discouragement at my fingertips, I know His love and experience His goodness in the depths of my soul.

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Courage, Dear Heart

The wind brushes my face, refreshing my breath and embracing my hair as it rushes past me. I close my eyes and wait in this moment. A smile grows as it reflects the joy in my soul. The sun warms my skin and I can feel it embrace my entire being. Breathing in, I then release a breath into the atmosphere. As I wait, I feel silence in my soul, a peace that can’t be explained. Here I stand on the brink of something good. There’s a hope in my heart for what the next breath brings.

I’ve waited here for what seems like a lifetime, but never have I experienced a moment like this. Free of fear. Free of shame. Free of worry. I wait, but now I wait for more of the waiting. For I know that you are here with me. This moment is overwhelmed by your presence, by your nearness. You tell me that you are with me and that you will never leave me. No, I am not alone. Through my tears I see your face. When I kneel in painful surrender, you feel that pain and kneel beside me. In my difficult contemplation and self-assessment, you journey with me through the obstacles of my heart pouring out love and grace. As I cry out, you cry louder. You wait with me. You long for me to dwell in your presence and cherish your embrace. How can I understand this tear provoking joy within the depths of me? The melody of your heart rises up from my core and causes every cell within me to dance. You have made a home in me, where I belong. No matter where I go, with you, I am home and I am free to live with assurance in who I am.

Oh dear soul, don’t you see? This joy that’s within you is just a glimpse of what is in store for you. Don’t forget! Great is His faithfulness! Where you have been has shaped you. The pain is a part of the refining process. Hold tight to His hand. Trust in His goodness. The process has a purpose. The journey isn’t for nothing. You’ve come so far. Think of how much farther He’ll bring you. “Be strong. Be brave. Be fearless. You are never alone.” Rise up! Walk forward! See the beauty in every circumstance! You will persevere!! You wait, but you wait in confidence, and you embrace the intricate workings within your heart. God is there within you, you will not fall.

I breathe in the good, and I breathe out, letting go of the heaviness in my soul. I can taste the richness of your promise. There is hope on the horizon where the sun never fails to rise. I feel my very being become lighter as the burdens of life, the hurts of the past, the pain from the loss, the prejudice walls, the deeply rooted pride, are all swept away in the wind. My heart is filled with what it needs, and the love from my God is all that it needs. Brave soul, you are fierce and you are strong because of the power that lives in you! Take courage, dear heart, that God fights for you. Do not live burdened as the world persuades you, but live joyously free and abundantly alive just as God desires. Cherish every single moment.

 

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Peace

What is this feeling I have inside?

That I can close my eyes and not want to hide.

 

A journey through tears and pain withstood.

Step by step toward something good.

 

Looking back to maybe understand

this path that was not in any way my plan.

 

I see the turns, the ups and the downs,

the ebbs and flow spinning me round.

 

I wait in this place that I graciously arrived

to bask in the goodness that my heart was revived.

 

Never shall I forget the trials I was dealt

for they shaped and molded this heart that’s overwhelmed

 

by love, hope, peace and joy.

I look to the future with promises not destroyed.

 

Where I have come and where I will go

is an adventure I’ll take to be challenged and grow.

 

Take heart, dear soul for this blessing is just a glimpse.

of the eternity awaiting you that’s greater than this.